The Journey to Eternal Love – to reach the destination of love

This is my life experience, before I know what ISLAM really is. I am not writing this to show that I am a good person, but I want to give a life lesson to you all so that, you wouldn’t make the same mistake like I did.Here I want to share the story of my life. My silly life. I wasn’t like who I am today. My life before was a messy and full of flaws. I was raised by a modest economic and religious background. I’m not the daughter of an ustaz or ustazah. My parents just like ordinary Muslim. They had done their best to “cultivate” and to raise my siblings and I in a way of Islam. I still remember, when I was a small girl till I reached my teenage life, my mother would tell us (my siblings and I) the stories’ of prophets in Islam before we get to sleep or in a rainy day. She also taught us how to pray, read to us on the life of our beloved Prophet, Muhammad S.A.W and lots more stories about ISLAM. Although, my parents and my religious teachers taught me well, I wasn’t really a devoted Muslim at all. I know that Solah is the main pillar of Islam, but I took it easy. I did goods things’ and prevent myself from doing bad things just because I was afraid of my parents, but not afraid of Allah. So silly I was. Then, my teen age seems to make me turn into a worst and hectic person. I began to rebel and I even tried to challenge my parents with my antics and my stupid ignorance. When things turn upside down I was like asking my parents why I was born into this world and why had God created me? I was really a bad and terrible daughter to them. Thank to Allah, I didn’t mingle with the bad hat. I only have a few friends and they’re kind of good person. If not, I don’t know what would happen to me. Plus, I’m not living in a big city so I kind of free from doing bad things such as clubbing, drinking and etc. But, to tell you the truth, my life was disaster at that time, but still I have performed well at school. Yet, I took what Allah had given to me for granted. As I turned at the ripe age of 17, I slowly realized how messy and terrible I was. I asked my mom and my dad forgiveness . And when I have to leave them (to pursue my diploma at UniSZA, Trengganu) I realized how important they are to me. I totally agree with the saying “we tend to appreciate something when we lost it”.. Then, I made a promise to myself; I will wash away the pain that I gave to them and I’ll make them proud of me. And it turns out okay. I was given a big test by Allah in my final years at the university when I got sick and diagnosed with iron-deficiency anaemia and I easily got sick. I remembered that night, when I suddenly having a terrible headache and I totally lost my consciousness. I was sent to hospital and when I had gained my consciousness I realized that I was in hospital and my hijab was gone. At 2 in the morning I asked to go out from the hospital, that place make me sick and I miss my mom so much as I remember that when I got sick, she would always be at my side. I sent a text to my dad. And tomorrow morning my mom called. She said that she can sense and feel that something bad had happen to me and she also told me, that night she couldn’t sleep at all as she kept on thinking about me. Subhanallah, a mother’s instinct. I had to run a special blood test, plus there’s a blood clots in my brain that had caused me terrible migraine and I was told that I had to remove the blood that clotted in my brain or else I would get brain tumour. At that time, I thought that I’m going to die soon. I felt like I don’t want to do anything aside from being with my family to spend my remained time with them. Thanks to Allah, I survived.

I again, felt devastated when I didn’t get any offer to continue my study. I felt down, and depressed as my parents keep on comparing me with my sister, who got an offer letter. I then, said that it’s better for me to die rather than being a useless person like this. I began to lose hope. I lost hope in everyone, everything. I just live, aimlessly, unmotivated and I was like a body without a soul. I even had a big fight with my mother. I again had hurt her feeling as I tried to voice out my dissatisfaction (I thought that she care more about my sister and being unfair to me). I started to ignored others and living with a feeling of anger and disappointments’. Till one day, My mother and my grandmother said something to me that make me realize how lucky I am. “ Ask Allah, don’t ever lose hope in Allah, He never test his servants with the burden that HIS servants’ can’t cope with. Do you think that you are poor? There aro so many person that isn’t lucky as you are. Allah knows better. ALLAH, had provide something special for you, you just have to wait” that what they have said. I began to realize how ungrateful I am to Allah, who had given so many things to me. ALLAH, HE had given lots of chances to me. During the month of Ramadhan, I asked HIS forgiveness and I ask for HIS helps. Only Allah could help me. I’ll redha with what would happen in my life in future time. Alhamdulillah, after months of hoping and I turn out to accept my fate sincerely; my dad gave me a letter. A letter from a university (here I am now, UUM). I shed my tears of happiness and syukur to Allah. Then, a lots more surprises and nikmat from Allah I got. My best friend while diploma is my roommate. Still at my twenties, my life needs to be improved. I felt like I had lost or had missed something in my life. My heart isn’t at peace at all. I look around others life. My roommate, for example she had gone through a hard life and experiencing so much test and challenges and she still have a total believe in Allah. She taught me how beautiful and sweet feeling of devotion to Allah. By looking at how she behave, how she accept her tests in life, how she lead her life to become a good Muslimah; I realized something. I even compared myself with her. I was far from good Muslimah. I cover my aurah, I wear my hijab, I pray 5 times a day, but still I feel like I’m not good at all. I begin to question myself? I do pray, but do I really pray because I love Allah, or just want to show that I follow what Allah asked to? I cover my aurah, because I want to or because I have to? I do a good thing because I want to or to show that I am a good one? My roommate does make me realize how flawed I am. I need to find the missing puzzle in me. I think I have enough knowledge of ISLAM. I know the history of ISLAM. I read lots of religious books. I read on Jesus: the prophet of Islam, The Origin of Man, Life after death, Christian and Islam, Bible and al Quran, and I even read about the Bible but , I don’t know, what is wrong with me, but I feel like I’m not a good Muslimah at all. I have to continue my searching. I have to do and find something. I want to be as calm as my roommate. I want to be as good as her. One day, I listen to a song. Alhamdulillah, by Maher Zain. The song really fits me. I am the person in that song. I took everything for granted. I have to change, I told myself. And then I listen to other nasheed entitled “Taubat seorang hamba”. I felt something. I shivered. I cried, I asked my heart do I really want to change my way of life. Do I really, really want to become a true Muslimah, devoted my whole life to ALLAH without asking HIS rewards? I am speechless. I don’t know exactly what I want. I envy Siti Khadijah (Khadeeja-Muhammad’s wife), I envy Rabiatul Adawiyah, I’m jealous with Sumayyah, and I envy them cause I feel that I couldn’t be one of them although I really want that. I’m not strong enough to face the challenges like they were. But deep in my heart, I want to be like them. I always pray to Allah that one day I could win HIS eternal love and I made a promise to myself that I’ll improve myself from day to day. I will obey HIM voluntarily. Still, I feel like I’m full of flaws. I am a sinner. I am dirty, my heart is dirty. I need to purify my heart. I read lots of religious books, al-Quran to make me calm, my heart calm. It works. The more I read the book of revelations (al-Quran) the more my heart is at ease. Subhanallah..

Months ago, I really awakened with an album. Hafiz Hamidun’s Zikir Terapi Diri. I cried and my heart feels at ease and peace when I played those songs. I feel like I am totally not more than a small creature to ALLAH. I am nothing without HIM. I exist because ALLAH wants to. I really realize the purposes of my life. Allah had created me to make the peoples around me happy, to spread HIS peaceful messages which are ISLAM and Al Quran, and most of all to unstoppable-ly worshipped HIM. I started to discover and thinks more about ISLAM. I listen to lots more spiritual song, and I found a song that inspire me, make me strong to face the challenges and obstacle in my journey to become a truly Muslimah and in my journey to win ALLAH’s pure and eternal love, which is DESTINASI CINTA sung by a group named Mestica. I t strengthen my will. And I also found a book entitled “MEMBURU DARJAT WANITA SOLEHAH” and the book had guide me in order to become a truly Muslimah, aside from the book of truth al-Quran and Rasulullah’s sunnahs and teaching. Recently, I watch a BBC documentary on The life of Prophet Muhammad, and the documentary really had taught me and it means a lot to me in shaping who I am today. I am thankful that I was born to be a Muslim, not Christian, not Buddhist. I am thankful that I have Muslims parents, and I really thankful that ISLAM had reached me. Back on the time when Rasulullah S.AW first wahyu (or message from ALLAH to spread the religion of truth ISLAM), Rasulullah had to face so many obstacles and challenges in order to spread the religion of Islam. His life is at stake. He even threatened to death. But Rasulullah S.A.W never stops spreading the new religion. He patiently accepted whatever thing that his enemies, the Musyrikin Quraisy did to him. Rasulullah S.AW and his follower at that time having lots of difficulties to spread ISLAM and they couldn’t even built a mosque until they did their pilgrimage to Medina. Today, I am lucky. We are lucky, because we can easily build mosque, we can easily buy the al Quran from the bookstore, we can easily read about ISLAM in any means, we can easily get the religious book and we are easily to spread the ISLAM. BUT, the question is HOW QUALITY OUR ISLAM ARE? Do we really treasure the al-Quran? Do we really appreciate the Pilgrimage of Rasulullah and HIS companion? Do we, really follow HIS teaching? Do we really ready to die as what Rasulullah did in order to protect ISLAM? Do we really ready to syahid in order to fight the enemy of ISLAM? Do we???? As for me, In sha Allah..I will. And I still need to prepare myself. I still need to learn lots more thing to strengthen my relation with ALLAH. I hope that, my new me, can contribute something to this beloved religion which is ISLAM. I hope that ALLAH will grant me patient and spirit of ISTIQAMAH. In sha allah, I’ll win in my jihad. Jihad to conquer my desires (nafsu) . I hope that ALLAH will accept my good deeds and guide me as long as my heart is beating and finally I could get HIS ETERNAL LOVE…Amin.

p/s: I hope that, after you had read this entry, you’ll love ISLAM more and I really hope that my experiences can prevent you from doing the same mistakes that I did. I once lived in the life of ignorance (jahiliyah) and I wish that you wouldn’t have a life like mine. And my dear readers, remember and put your believe in ALLAH’s words, In sha Allah, you’ll find your happiness. There is not too late for us to grab HIS ETERNAL LOVE as HE is the most gracious and most Forgiven.

WARKAH BUAT HAWA..

Hawa, andai engkau masih remaja jadilah anak yang solehah buat kedua-dua ibubapamu. Andai engkau sudah bersuami jadilah isteri yang meringankan beban suamimu. Andai engkau seorang ibu didiklah anak-anakmu hingga dia tak gentar memperjuangkan Addin Allah. Hawa, andai engkau belum berkahwin jangan kau risau jodohmu. Ingatlah janji Tuhan kita bahawa “ wanita yang baik hanya untuk lelaki yang baik”. Jangan dimulakan sebuah pertemuan dengan lelaki yang bukan muhrim kerana aku khuatir dari mata jatuh ke hati, maka lahirnya senyuman tercetusnya salam dan sekaligus disusuli dengan pertemuan. Takut terlahirnya nafsu kejahatan yang menguasai diri. Hawa, lelaki yang baik tidak melihat paras rupa. Lelaki yang soleh tidak memilih wanita melaui keseksiannya. Lelaki yang warak tidak menilai keayuannya, kemanjaannya serta kemampuannya menggoncang iman lelaki. Tetapi lelaki yang baik akan menilai wanita melalui akhlaknya, peribadinya dan yang paling penting pegangan agamanya. Lelaki yang baik juga tidak menginginkan pertemuan dengan wanita yang bukan muhrimnya kerana dia takut memberi kesempatan kepada syaitan untuk menggodanya, dan lelaki yang warak juga tidak mahu bermain cinta kerana dia tahu apa matlamat dalam sebuah pertemuan antara lelaki dan wanita, yakni sebuah perkahwinan. Oleh itu Hawa, jagalah pandanganmu. Awasilah auratmu. Peliharalah akhlakmu dan kuatkanlah pendirianmu. Andai ditakdirkan memenuhi dan menyinari kekosongan jiwamu. Biarlah hanya cinta daripada kedua ibubapamu yang memberi hangatan kebahagiaan buat dirimu. Cukuplah sekadar cinta adik beradik serta keluarga yang membahagiakan dirimu. Hawa, cintailah Allah dikala susah dan senang kerana kau akan memperoleh cinta daripada insan yang mencintai Allah. Cintailah kedua-dua ibubapamu kerana kau akan memperoleh keredhaan Allah. Cintai keluargamu kerana kau tidak akan jumpa cinta yang bahagia selain ari cinta keluarga. Janganlah sesekali wahai Hawa, tangan yang mennguncang dunia juga menjadi tangan yang menggoncang iman lelaki.

where's the LOVE???

Now, I do realize that I've never been in love..truly in love with a man , I mean. If you love someone you tend to give everything without hoping that he/she will loved you back.. But I didn't feel that..Months ago, a guy had confessed his love for me and like I said before I kept on wondering if it's love or just a mere feeling of admire someone and now, I had found the answer. My heart do feel right and okay about that, but my soul doesn't feel right. I could brace myself to say that I miss him, I couldn't say that I love him and most of all things started to become puzzling and I had to say that I do care for him. My heart seems to felt sorry for him, but I couldn't brace myself to admit to him that I accepted his feeling because I care for him and I don't want to disappoint him..not because I really love and fell for him...Throughout this time, I keep on praying that I could tell him that. At first maybe I'm a little bit happy cause somebody had confessed that he loved me, but now it seems so wrong especially I knew that some persons weren't happy with us..HIS family, my family..Plus, like I said before on my previous entry, I didn't put too much hope at this matter as I'll accept what ever qada&qadr that had been written by ALLAH for me. Recently I found out that he started seeing someone else and I wasn't sad or jealous at all. In fact, I felt relieve and I'm hoping that he would love that girl and they would end up their relationship with a marriage. I also hope that the girl would love him as much as he loved her. You must be surprise right??? I don't feel hurt at all..just like I was, live heartily, enjoy my campus life at UUM...struggle with assignments and exams...At the same time I'm praying that ALLAH would send a man with knowledge and virtue to me, to complete my life and to put my heart at calm..I don't care if I had to marry a total stranger as long as my parents give their blessing to us..coz I believe that it's better to love your partner after "nikah" and I also believe that Allah had chose a right person for me. A man that will accept me for who I am..( I'M JUST A PLAIN GIRL - A PLAIN JANE ) I'll just keep on waiting patiently for that man..as in JOJO's song ~ Never been in love, cause a girl like me...Never had someone to care for, Never thought there could be someone special for me...Cause a girl like me waited patiently for someone, someone to care for me...And there will never be...

Let say, if one day, a man said that he loves me..I'll just ask him to meet my parents, ask their blessing and then we should proceed to the next step... Okayy...so that's all for today..xoxo p/s: #DearMyMrRight-I'llWaitForYou..#

Falsafah cinta Si Plato dan Socrates

Plato bertanyakan makna cinta kepada gurunya, Socrates dan beliau menjawab: “Masuklah ke dalam hutan dan ambillah satu ranting yang menurutmu paling baik. Tetapi engkau haruslah berjalan ke depan dan janganlah menoleh ke belakang. Pada saat kau sudah memutuskan pilihanmu, keluarlah dari hutan dengan ranting tersebut.” Maka masuklah Plato ke dalam hutan dan keluarlah Plato tanpa membawa sebatang ranting pun. Socrates bertanya, maka Plato pun menjawab: “Saya sebenarnya sudah mempunyai ranting yang bagus tetapi, sya berfifkir barangkali di depan saya ada ranting yang lebih baik. Tetapi setelah saya berjalan ke depan, ternyata ranting yang telah saya tinggalkan tadilah yang terbaik. Maka saya keluar dari hutan tanpa membawa apa-apa. Socrates berkata : “Itulah CINTA”. Plato kemudiannya menanyakan apakah erti perkahwinan pula. Berkata Socrates: “Sama seperti ranting tadi. Namun kali ini engkau haruslah membawa satu pohon yang engkau fikir paling baikdan bawalah keluar dari hutan.” Lalu, Plato pun masuklah ke dalam hutan dan keluar dengan membawa pohon yang tidak teralalu tinggi juga tidak terlalu rendah. Socrates bertanya mengapa begitu, maka Plato menjawab : “Saya bertemu pohon yang indah daunnya, besar batangnya, tetapi saya tidak dapat memotongnya dan pastilah saya tidak mampu membawanya keluar. Akhirnya saya tinggalkan pohon itu. Kemudian saya menjumpai pohon yang tidak terlalu buruk, tidak terlalu tinggi dan saya fikir mampu membawanya kerana mungkin saya tidak akan menemui pohon seperti ini di depan saya. Akhirnya saya pilih pohon seperti ini kerana saya yakin mampu merawatnya dan menjadikannya indah… Socrates lalu berkata : “ Itulah makna PERKAHWINAN…

La Tahzan..my fellow sisters and brothers at Plaestine..

Reading and hearing about the cruelty did by the Israelis to the Palestinians had caused me pain at heart. I felt like they are hurting me also. At the same time, I was like..angry, disappointed, and it seems like I want to go there and fight the Israelis. They don't have the right to take the holy land, cause the land belong to the Palestinians. And the world just watch, no action no justice..as if the world had been blind by the cruel actions zionist. As if the world had lost their sight and lost their power to stop that..OIC seems to be powerless. Muslims all over the world seems so powerless. We just watch them, hear their with-pain-voice but we don't do anything to help them....Come on my fellow Muslims brothers and sisters! Lets do something to help them..lets ease their pain.. If I were given an opportunity, I want to be with all of you, fighting for our beloved Islam and free our holy land from the Zionist. but right now, I couldn't help much apart from giving "doa" to all of you. Be patience..I believe that Allah had prepared something special for all of you, who had redha with his test, the biggest test ever. If I were you I wouldn't be that strong. In sha allah, one day the Zionist will pay the price for all your suffers. I want justice,coz I believe that the world now is not fair at all. Not fair enough..the international organizations like OIC, UN and many more are function-less..I believe that some day You'll live in peace one day coz you deserve that. In Sha Allah.. Dear Palestinians, I will always pray for all of you.. I always pray that you always be patient, and brave enough to fight the zionist. The Israelis some day will stop causing you pain. Yes, they will..with Allah's help..