The Journey to Eternal Love – to reach the destination of love

This is my life experience, before I know what ISLAM really is. I am not writing this to show that I am a good person, but I want to give a life lesson to you all so that, you wouldn’t make the same mistake like I did.Here I want to share the story of my life. My silly life. I wasn’t like who I am today. My life before was a messy and full of flaws. I was raised by a modest economic and religious background. I’m not the daughter of an ustaz or ustazah. My parents just like ordinary Muslim. They had done their best to “cultivate” and to raise my siblings and I in a way of Islam. I still remember, when I was a small girl till I reached my teenage life, my mother would tell us (my siblings and I) the stories’ of prophets in Islam before we get to sleep or in a rainy day. She also taught us how to pray, read to us on the life of our beloved Prophet, Muhammad S.A.W and lots more stories about ISLAM. Although, my parents and my religious teachers taught me well, I wasn’t really a devoted Muslim at all. I know that Solah is the main pillar of Islam, but I took it easy. I did goods things’ and prevent myself from doing bad things just because I was afraid of my parents, but not afraid of Allah. So silly I was. Then, my teen age seems to make me turn into a worst and hectic person. I began to rebel and I even tried to challenge my parents with my antics and my stupid ignorance. When things turn upside down I was like asking my parents why I was born into this world and why had God created me? I was really a bad and terrible daughter to them. Thank to Allah, I didn’t mingle with the bad hat. I only have a few friends and they’re kind of good person. If not, I don’t know what would happen to me. Plus, I’m not living in a big city so I kind of free from doing bad things such as clubbing, drinking and etc. But, to tell you the truth, my life was disaster at that time, but still I have performed well at school. Yet, I took what Allah had given to me for granted. As I turned at the ripe age of 17, I slowly realized how messy and terrible I was. I asked my mom and my dad forgiveness . And when I have to leave them (to pursue my diploma at UniSZA, Trengganu) I realized how important they are to me. I totally agree with the saying “we tend to appreciate something when we lost it”.. Then, I made a promise to myself; I will wash away the pain that I gave to them and I’ll make them proud of me. And it turns out okay. I was given a big test by Allah in my final years at the university when I got sick and diagnosed with iron-deficiency anaemia and I easily got sick. I remembered that night, when I suddenly having a terrible headache and I totally lost my consciousness. I was sent to hospital and when I had gained my consciousness I realized that I was in hospital and my hijab was gone. At 2 in the morning I asked to go out from the hospital, that place make me sick and I miss my mom so much as I remember that when I got sick, she would always be at my side. I sent a text to my dad. And tomorrow morning my mom called. She said that she can sense and feel that something bad had happen to me and she also told me, that night she couldn’t sleep at all as she kept on thinking about me. Subhanallah, a mother’s instinct. I had to run a special blood test, plus there’s a blood clots in my brain that had caused me terrible migraine and I was told that I had to remove the blood that clotted in my brain or else I would get brain tumour. At that time, I thought that I’m going to die soon. I felt like I don’t want to do anything aside from being with my family to spend my remained time with them. Thanks to Allah, I survived.

I again, felt devastated when I didn’t get any offer to continue my study. I felt down, and depressed as my parents keep on comparing me with my sister, who got an offer letter. I then, said that it’s better for me to die rather than being a useless person like this. I began to lose hope. I lost hope in everyone, everything. I just live, aimlessly, unmotivated and I was like a body without a soul. I even had a big fight with my mother. I again had hurt her feeling as I tried to voice out my dissatisfaction (I thought that she care more about my sister and being unfair to me). I started to ignored others and living with a feeling of anger and disappointments’. Till one day, My mother and my grandmother said something to me that make me realize how lucky I am. “ Ask Allah, don’t ever lose hope in Allah, He never test his servants with the burden that HIS servants’ can’t cope with. Do you think that you are poor? There aro so many person that isn’t lucky as you are. Allah knows better. ALLAH, had provide something special for you, you just have to wait” that what they have said. I began to realize how ungrateful I am to Allah, who had given so many things to me. ALLAH, HE had given lots of chances to me. During the month of Ramadhan, I asked HIS forgiveness and I ask for HIS helps. Only Allah could help me. I’ll redha with what would happen in my life in future time. Alhamdulillah, after months of hoping and I turn out to accept my fate sincerely; my dad gave me a letter. A letter from a university (here I am now, UUM). I shed my tears of happiness and syukur to Allah. Then, a lots more surprises and nikmat from Allah I got. My best friend while diploma is my roommate. Still at my twenties, my life needs to be improved. I felt like I had lost or had missed something in my life. My heart isn’t at peace at all. I look around others life. My roommate, for example she had gone through a hard life and experiencing so much test and challenges and she still have a total believe in Allah. She taught me how beautiful and sweet feeling of devotion to Allah. By looking at how she behave, how she accept her tests in life, how she lead her life to become a good Muslimah; I realized something. I even compared myself with her. I was far from good Muslimah. I cover my aurah, I wear my hijab, I pray 5 times a day, but still I feel like I’m not good at all. I begin to question myself? I do pray, but do I really pray because I love Allah, or just want to show that I follow what Allah asked to? I cover my aurah, because I want to or because I have to? I do a good thing because I want to or to show that I am a good one? My roommate does make me realize how flawed I am. I need to find the missing puzzle in me. I think I have enough knowledge of ISLAM. I know the history of ISLAM. I read lots of religious books. I read on Jesus: the prophet of Islam, The Origin of Man, Life after death, Christian and Islam, Bible and al Quran, and I even read about the Bible but , I don’t know, what is wrong with me, but I feel like I’m not a good Muslimah at all. I have to continue my searching. I have to do and find something. I want to be as calm as my roommate. I want to be as good as her. One day, I listen to a song. Alhamdulillah, by Maher Zain. The song really fits me. I am the person in that song. I took everything for granted. I have to change, I told myself. And then I listen to other nasheed entitled “Taubat seorang hamba”. I felt something. I shivered. I cried, I asked my heart do I really want to change my way of life. Do I really, really want to become a true Muslimah, devoted my whole life to ALLAH without asking HIS rewards? I am speechless. I don’t know exactly what I want. I envy Siti Khadijah (Khadeeja-Muhammad’s wife), I envy Rabiatul Adawiyah, I’m jealous with Sumayyah, and I envy them cause I feel that I couldn’t be one of them although I really want that. I’m not strong enough to face the challenges like they were. But deep in my heart, I want to be like them. I always pray to Allah that one day I could win HIS eternal love and I made a promise to myself that I’ll improve myself from day to day. I will obey HIM voluntarily. Still, I feel like I’m full of flaws. I am a sinner. I am dirty, my heart is dirty. I need to purify my heart. I read lots of religious books, al-Quran to make me calm, my heart calm. It works. The more I read the book of revelations (al-Quran) the more my heart is at ease. Subhanallah..

Months ago, I really awakened with an album. Hafiz Hamidun’s Zikir Terapi Diri. I cried and my heart feels at ease and peace when I played those songs. I feel like I am totally not more than a small creature to ALLAH. I am nothing without HIM. I exist because ALLAH wants to. I really realize the purposes of my life. Allah had created me to make the peoples around me happy, to spread HIS peaceful messages which are ISLAM and Al Quran, and most of all to unstoppable-ly worshipped HIM. I started to discover and thinks more about ISLAM. I listen to lots more spiritual song, and I found a song that inspire me, make me strong to face the challenges and obstacle in my journey to become a truly Muslimah and in my journey to win ALLAH’s pure and eternal love, which is DESTINASI CINTA sung by a group named Mestica. I t strengthen my will. And I also found a book entitled “MEMBURU DARJAT WANITA SOLEHAH” and the book had guide me in order to become a truly Muslimah, aside from the book of truth al-Quran and Rasulullah’s sunnahs and teaching. Recently, I watch a BBC documentary on The life of Prophet Muhammad, and the documentary really had taught me and it means a lot to me in shaping who I am today. I am thankful that I was born to be a Muslim, not Christian, not Buddhist. I am thankful that I have Muslims parents, and I really thankful that ISLAM had reached me. Back on the time when Rasulullah S.AW first wahyu (or message from ALLAH to spread the religion of truth ISLAM), Rasulullah had to face so many obstacles and challenges in order to spread the religion of Islam. His life is at stake. He even threatened to death. But Rasulullah S.A.W never stops spreading the new religion. He patiently accepted whatever thing that his enemies, the Musyrikin Quraisy did to him. Rasulullah S.AW and his follower at that time having lots of difficulties to spread ISLAM and they couldn’t even built a mosque until they did their pilgrimage to Medina. Today, I am lucky. We are lucky, because we can easily build mosque, we can easily buy the al Quran from the bookstore, we can easily read about ISLAM in any means, we can easily get the religious book and we are easily to spread the ISLAM. BUT, the question is HOW QUALITY OUR ISLAM ARE? Do we really treasure the al-Quran? Do we really appreciate the Pilgrimage of Rasulullah and HIS companion? Do we, really follow HIS teaching? Do we really ready to die as what Rasulullah did in order to protect ISLAM? Do we really ready to syahid in order to fight the enemy of ISLAM? Do we???? As for me, In sha Allah..I will. And I still need to prepare myself. I still need to learn lots more thing to strengthen my relation with ALLAH. I hope that, my new me, can contribute something to this beloved religion which is ISLAM. I hope that ALLAH will grant me patient and spirit of ISTIQAMAH. In sha allah, I’ll win in my jihad. Jihad to conquer my desires (nafsu) . I hope that ALLAH will accept my good deeds and guide me as long as my heart is beating and finally I could get HIS ETERNAL LOVE…Amin.

p/s: I hope that, after you had read this entry, you’ll love ISLAM more and I really hope that my experiences can prevent you from doing the same mistakes that I did. I once lived in the life of ignorance (jahiliyah) and I wish that you wouldn’t have a life like mine. And my dear readers, remember and put your believe in ALLAH’s words, In sha Allah, you’ll find your happiness. There is not too late for us to grab HIS ETERNAL LOVE as HE is the most gracious and most Forgiven.